SupperClub with Naz and Aan over the weekend was awesome. :) Had to make it up for Mr Naz because i was not able to make it for his birthday event at OT on Thursday due to double-oing. It was kinda unexpectedly that i actually went double-oing because i have never liked it's environment.. If you get what i mean, haha. But the songs weren't so bad though.. Truth be told, the ambience in there brings back the minah in me, LOL!


Anyway, Saturday's plan was to actually accompany Naz to Zirca, which i did.. But stupidioticly Aan's entry was rejected by the management. Well, Zirca and Rebel is always like that but that's a good thing though. Haha serves him right.. I have never liked him when Naz intro him to me on that day. All i can say is that he's a bit of irrinoying and perangai like shit. Baru nak pergi Zirca dgn Mr Naz, die buat spoil je. -_-

On the flipside, i went to Dover Park Hospice yesterday. Visited my aunt who looked very sick and believe it or not, she got no much time left and it saddens me to see her in that condition.. Probably less than a month? That was what the doctor told us. I was crying throughout when i sat beside her and listening to her advices, very meaningful ones.. Her face tells me a lot, like how she wants her nephews and nieces to be good people and how eager she is to come home; having the thought in mind that she wants to die with the people she loves, not in the hospice. Haiz.. Mira and me were crying so badly, because we were so disheartened to learn that she's leaving all of us soon, very soon.

Apart from all of that, i miss my babes! See you girls on this Wednesday at Zirca alright.. Anyway, ZoukOut this December.. Can't wait! LOL. Okay, i shall end the post here for now.. Will update again soon.. Take care everyone, take care me. Smile always. =)

Aku happy pasal tadi pagi ade org request kan lagu Because of You specially untuk aku. Last kopek pulak tu.. Aku sayang org tu. Muacks! <3 

Random and takde maksod. K bye.

It's almost 2 in the afternoon and i'm happy to say that i have fully recovered from fever.. The sad thing is that Hariz is still having high fever now due to the injection that was given to him a week back. Though he's still taking his meds, i will need to bring him to see the doctor if the fever still does not subside.. Get well soon, sweetheart.

Sidetrack, Halloween at Zirca was not up to my expectations.. I didn't feel satisfied, and the event was not as enjoyable.. Perhaps it's due to the crowd, such a disappointment that it was so packed in there, both Zirca and Rebel. Well, what do you expect.. And just for the record, those caucasians with no manners really pissed me off. Diorang buat tempat tu macam mak bapak diorang yg punye, takde manners, cekik darah btul lah matsallehs ni! 

Okay, now back to what i was saying.. On the day itself, i reached there at 11 and guess what, the queue was very2 long! Haha, it's great that i'm not required to queue up though.. Since i'm a regular there, show up to Lester at the entrance and entered without having to queue with the rest of them.. Waiting to be a vip soon, hehe macam paham. Met up with Fatin and Wanna in there and do what we girls usually did.. Thanks for everything, Wanna. :)

About me nowadays.. Well, everything's okay and have been on my side lately. Things are still the same and i'm content with everything that has been happening around me. I want to try out new things and pick up new activities like playing guitar or perhaps bowling.. Anyone? 

I guess that's all for now.. Since i have nothing else to write in, i will be back with a proper update again soon. Have good days ahead and take care everyone!

I miss my caspercomot. Happy belated 33rd monthsary, sweetheart. Love you always. <3

I decided to post something since i've finally realised that my blog is starting to collect dust. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to blog nowadays.. Not that i don't have anything to blog about, perhaps it's the mood that counts in.

Nothing much is happening in my life, really. I refuse to be detailed nowadays simply because my mind has been rather idle, i just wanted to write at least something on my blog since i've been missing for almost a month.. I know people are already getting bored staring at the same old entry. Well, i'm always like this, haha.

I have been going out with different people lately.. All i can say is that everything was so enjoyable and up till today, i really had lots of fun. Anyway, will be hitting the dancefloor again some time soon.. I think i'm starting to get addicted. :)

Apart from all of that, i feel bad for breaking hearts when it comes to issues with guys. I don't know what's in me that catches their attention.. Can someone tell me? Haha. Two souls confessed love. -_- Although i'm still confuse with whatever that has been going on, i choose to believe of what is best for me now. No strings attach, socialise and make more friends, and the best part is to enjoy! :)

Okay, since i have nothing else to write in.. I shall hit the sack now. By the way, will be going out with Fatin and Hariz in the afternoon. Just wanna have some fun. :)

I will be updating again soon, wait for me alright.. Take care everyone, take care me. Adios amigos.

It has been almost a month, and finally i'm back to blogging.. It's not that i have nothing to update about, but the thing is that i will always tend to forget what i had wanted to blog initially and always managed to postpone it. See the ALWAYS? Haha. And maybe, just maybe cos i'm plain lazy and when it comes to procrastinating, i'm always the best.. No doubt on that. :D

So firstly, how are all of you earthlings? I hope everyone's been great and for the muslims, i hope that you guys have been fasting so far.. Speaking of which, there's only 3 more days left to fast and Hari Raya's coming up soon. How fast can that be? Anyway, i've had my Raya preparations done with, albeit there's still more that are needed to be done to my house and of all things, why spring-cleaning? So not my thing and i really hate that. No choice lah Belle, you gotta to what you gotta do.. Hahahaha.

My dad painted the walls green, more to greenish avocado. I still like the initial colour we had though.. You know, those brown with different tones. But in all, i think the current wall color is just an okay.. Apart from that, all the kuih raya for this year are bought from JB, which means that i don't have to strain myself in the kitchen for hours in order to bake those cookies like the past years.

Colour theme for me and Hariz this year is Green. Went to JB's boutiques to find my costume weeks before the start of fasting month, as i dont want to rush when searching cos i really hate the crowds at Geylang, what's more if i have to find costumes at the very last minute. It's going to be a big no no for me.. Thing is that most of the costumes at Geylang are all either not worth the price or none to my likings. I'd prefer having a customised one or maybe something different and uncommon. Anyway, i've gotten myself a new pair of gorgeous heels, baju kurung songket in dark green and a chiffon kebaya in lime green.. Yet still, i'm not satisfied with it cos i thought that i could have had better costumes. Blame my mum. :(

Okay, now to personal related stuffs.

It has been almost 5 months without him around. I feel a little incomplete for Hari Raya this year.. I'm afraid of what's in store for me now, or maybe in future. Perhaps, i was hoping that i won't forget who he is and how much he means to me. Have you guys heard of feelings that fades in conjunction to absence? THIS is what i am afraid of and this is why, my status is still ambivalent up till today.

So many things to let out, but i feel that it's not necessary to elaborate on all of these. All i can say is that, it seems that he have been trying his best to change and he has realised his mistakes, seeking forgiveness from me and having the hope for us to have a happy and secure family in future. Now he's going to learn what it feels like to really miss, appreciate and love someone who he has not done so to in the past. Hopefully, things will get better for us in time to come.

I really do miss him, and with that fact i can't deny. I just need an assurance that our love is still going on strong, cos all i'm feeling now is emptiness. Love feels empty. Or maybe it's just me? I really don't know.. And as time passes by, i pray and hope that Allah will make me stand up strong to face whatever that comes in my way and that my feelings towards him will remain the same. Insya Allah.

On the flipside, my birthday was a great one. Went to Zirca/Rebel and party the night out.. LOL. Thanks to Putri Syazwanna for making the effort as she had a small surprise for me. All in all, it was an OKAY for me. I really appreciate it though. :)

Okay, enough for now.. Life goes on alright people. Sidetrack, i'm going to be very busy in the next few days for last minute Hari Raya preps and the Raya eve cooking!!! I don't know when i'll be updating again, therefore i would like to wish Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir Dan Batin to all my muslim friends.. Kalau ade salah dan silap, tidak kira bagaimana bentuknya, Belle ingin menyusun sepuluh jari meminta ampun dan maaf kepada semua okay.. Have fun alright people! Please take good care of your health and eat wisely. Take care everyone, take care me. :)

With love, Belle.

I don't know what to feel and how to react to all of these. Still pondering, now where is it going? I will be on HIATUS. Take care everyone.

*2nd day of insomnia.

Nothing related to the one above - I just reached home; from meeting someone at somewhere. I don't know what's with me, where it went wrong or what caused it to turn out this way. I am not being myself and i feel so sial already. Seriously, you wouldn't want to know what i have done and i wouldn't even want to declare anything right now. This guilty-feeling and the sial-ness is affecting me.. Personally, i regretted everything but then again, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???!!!

I need guidance. :(

Okay, firstly.. I changed my song again to the one i initially had. It's none other than Ne-Yo's Because Of You of course! Anyway it's my all-time favourite song. Very upbeat.. Very ME hehe. :D

Next, i want to jot down my thoughts, but i have always managed to postpone it due to my unpredictable mood! Duhh.. That's a sad thing because when i'm already here and all geared up to write in all the things that i have always wanted to pour out, there's a tendency for me to get distracted with all the other interesting virtual pages and in the next minute, everything's gone! BLANKKK. For instance, like now.. I hate this feeling. To blog or not to blog.. Hahahaha okay nevermind i will get back to update once i have remembered the 'lost' details. Ouh ya, i have not had my sleep yet and can you please tell me what's the time now??? Oh my god, it's almost 6:30AM lah Belle! So, i'm hitting the sack now.. In fact i have to, otherwise i will be a zombie for today. Very sorry for the pointless and oh-so-nonsense post at this hour. Okay i will crap more if i don't go.. So i better go hehe muacks and TATA to all. :D

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, SWEETHEART. :)

Firstly, i hope that you are happy to know that i have had a birthday celebration for our dearest Hariz. It's a promise, from you that i must fulfill. And i'm glad that i did. :)

At this time of the night, i can't stop thinking about you, and only you. Thinking about us, thinking about the times we have had together and i was completely mesmerized with the fact that my head keeps repeating all the memories we have had like an unstoppable movie screen. All that i can hold on to are only your pictures, the ones that have always been in my memory stick for the past 29 months and never will i intend to get rid of it, never will i.

I'm sorry if i'm being too ignorant on your expectations all along and i know it's definitely not easy for you to instill your trust in me, and vice versa. Let's just see what's in store for us in the coming years.

As always, i will pray and hope that God will shed some light for me and may He bless our relationship. I'm glad that up till today, my feelings for you are still the same. I have loved you, and i will always do. Miss you so much, my CasperComot. Sayang awak. :)

Many events have taken place for the past weeks. Hariz's 1st birthday was a fun and memorable one i must say. I would like to say thank you to those who came, friends, relatives or whoever you are to me. Thanks for making it happen, and i really appreciate your presence. Thanks for the cute presents guys! Hariz and me really loved it. :)

I had fun with you people, albeit without someone i love so much and there's a feeling of loneliness deep in me at that point of time.. Nevertheless, i wouldn't let it affect me in any ways and i'm glad that i did. I love you people! Photos of that event have been uploaded on my Facebook. :D

Have been going out with different people lately. I'm having mixed feelings and now.. Where is it going? I really don't know..

Will continue to update soon. Take care everyone, take care me.

Belle outs! MUACKS! :)

Firstly, i would like to apologise to those who have not been invited by me to my baby boy's first birthday party. It's either i have missed out your name or most likely, i've totally forgot about you. Lols. Anyway, only hubby's side and my close ones are invited so no hal lah, haha. Seriously, i have got too many things in mind right now and yet there's so little time! Managing things at the last minute are my weakest link. I am really sorry. :(

Nevertheless, i hope those whom i have invited will be able to make it. Make yourselves free on the 23rd, sayangs. Please inform me if you are unable to attend okay..

Personally, for this celebration, it's not going to be a big one or as exclusive, but i'll make it clear here that it's just going to be a simple and most importantly, a fun one! The thing is, it's going to be filled with all sorts of personal entertainment from random people with their crazy antics, games, laughters and of course the nice nice food, barbeque and cam-whorings! Moreoever, i'm going to love it cos it's more to a gathering as there'll be random people who can socialise among themselves and i shall say a re-union for my babes too! ENJOYSSS and be happy happy happy. Peace. :D

Just a slight detail, the venue for this celebration will be located at Henderson Park. As for my close ones, more details through sms soon, alright? Just wait for me ppl.. :)

Sidetrack, i was quite shocked to know that this stupid pig disease is rampant in our city! Oh my god. Hopefully those who are infected will have a speedy recovery and let's be extra vigilant from now on. We wouldn't want this disease to continue to spread so let's take good care of our own personal hygiene. Bodoh lah org2 makan BABI ni semua. Bodoh sangat2. I'd just like to emphasize it one more time. BODOH!

You know, i suddenly feel like going to clubs again. Don't know.. Probably i just missed it. Feels like there's something in me telling me to get out of my shell, loosen up a bit and just go out to have fun! But at the same time, there's always a thing that holds me back. It's the feelings of guilt that i'm afraid will affect me in one way or another. But it's okay, i'm fine with it.. Nevermind, don't mention about it yet.. Just waiting for the right time and a great companion to complete it all! :) Speaking of which, Jaja asked me to tag along to Powerhouse on this Sat's ladies night.. Well well.. Let's just see. :)

Okay, random updates. Will write in again when i have the free time alright ppl. Cheers!

Simple, yet a nice blog for me. I really liked it as i'm adapting with my current mood and the way i am behaving when it comes to handling things now. It feels more to nature with green in it. Peaceful. =)

I will always treasure our relationship,
Without counting the miles between us,
The days we have been apart,
Or the differences we share.
I MISS YOU. <3

I was reading through my past entries and i stumbled upon an entry, dated on 7th August 2008. Read it and i understood those feelings. Whatever that has been stated on that particular entry is happening to me now. I'm glad that i'm still able to pull through, no doubt that there will be struggles along the way. I'm just glad, glad to know that i'm stronger than what i think i am.

Will be meeting Fatin baby and Afiq in a few minutes time. Cam-whores!!! :D

I'm terribly sorry for the very boring posts lately. So far there's nothing interesting to blog about. My days are just so mundane, slacking and more slacking at home and only sometimes, going out w bby Hariz or friends. It's like there's really nothing to blog about.. None other than about my sweetheart of course. I'm becoming a boring person already! Lols.

I have to start thinking about what to write in rather than letting this blog remain idle for weeks or even months. But seriously, as for now i am still feeling very2 double lazy to blog already.. Give me some courage ppl! Communicate w me!!! I will have to socialise more as i need to improve my perspective in life! :D

All i can say is that i'm pretty happy with what has been going on. Still, there's so much that i wanna do and so much that i wanna achieve and as for that i'll have to take it slow. I'm so happy just being me. :)

As for this song, i really love listening to it. Sorry if you don't like all the slow or so called 'emo' music but this is me.. I guess it's already in the blood so that is why i can't stop listening to these genres. Anyway, enjoy ppl!

I need a breather. Take care everyone, take care me. ;)

HAVE FAITH. Thanks, Fatin. You've made me come to a realisation on the things that i have almost forgot. :)

For You, Sweetheart.

Disini aku masih sendiri
Merenungi hari-hari sepi
Aku tanpamu
Masih tanpamu

Bila esok hari datang lagi
Ku coba untuk hadapi semua ini
Meski tanpamu meski tanpamu

Bila aku dapat bintang yang berpijar
Mentari yang tenang bersamaku disini
Ku dapat tertawa menangis merenung
Di tempat ini aku bertahan

*
Suara dengarkanlah aku
Apa khabarnya pujaan hatiku
Aku di sini menunggunya
Masih berharap di dalam hatinya

Suara dengarkanlah aku
Apakah aku selalu dihatinya
Aku di sini menunggunya
Masih berharap di dalam hatinya

Kalau ku masih tetap disini
Ku lewati semua yang terjadi
Aku menunggumu aku menunggu

Suara dengarkanlah aku
Apa khabarnya pujaan hatiku
Aku di sini menunggunya
Masih berharap di dalam hatinya

Suara dengarkanlah aku
Apakah aku ada dihatinya
Aku di sini menunggunya
Masih berharap di dalam hatinya


I don't know why this song reminds me of you. I feel that this song somehow relate to me and some parts of the lyrics makes me feel sad all the same. B, today is your birthday.. I feel very sad cos we can't celebrate it like the past years. You're down there, without me nor your son, all alone while counting down the days. At this point of time, i'm crying as much as i can just because i feel that i really need the time to let it all out. My eyes are all swollen, and i have not had my sleep. Saya rindu sangat kat awk dear. Thanks dear, for giving me some moral support in your letters, i really appreciate all of that. You have never fail to make me smile when i read your 3 letters over and over again. But nothing can change the fact that up till today, my feelings for you are still the same and i will always be missing you. You know, crying doesn't mean that i'm weak. It's just that i miss you so much. It hurts, seeing our son's face every morning before i go to work, that innocent face. As if he knows of what is going on, between us, you and me. Listening to his cries, babblings and laughters switches my memory mode back to you, reminiscing the times we had together with our beloved little angel. He used to have you by his side to play with him, but now it's a totally different story altogether. Looking at him makes me even sadder. I don't know how should i put it cos the feeling really sucks, a whole lot. I'm not even sure if i can struggle through all of these by myself. I feel weak, so weak without you around. You're my pillar of strength b, and now that pillar has collapsed and what remains is only me, all by myself trying hard to stand up all over again. I'm very sad. :(

To my dearest hubby, i wanna wish you a very happy 25th birthday. May all your wishes and dreams come true, may you have good health, stay smiley and always be happy with whatever that you're going through now and don't be sad or stressed out with the happenings outside. May Allah shed some light for you and i pray and hope that you'll get yourself closer to Him. It's true when they say, absence makes the heart grew fonder. Therefore, from the very bottom of my heart, i really love and miss you so much sayang. I have loved you, and will always do. Although you don't know of the existence of this blog, i still hope that you'll understand what i'm feeling at this point of time..

The second song, Jangan Pernah Berubah, it's from you to me right dear? I knew it, cos you told me that you often sing it. You used to sing it for me when we were together too. So it means a lot, for me. I'm breaking-down already.. Sigh. :(

Take care everyone, take care me. I hope things will get better in time.

I'm feeling quite drained with what has been happening around me now. Sweetheart, i have never thought that you would do such things because of me. Why do you have to resort to that.. I'm utterly disappointed with you. 3 more days and i'm still counting down. Hopefully you'll get out of that hell soon! Although you wanted to keep it as a secret, i still knew about it eventually. I'm just SAD. :(

4 more days to your 25th birthday. I will pray for you, to be strong to finish what you've started and for once, get all these over and done with. I'll pray that you'll get yourself closer to our Creator, and i'll pray for the best in everything that you do, i'll pray for you to have a good health and not to worry so much about the happenings outside. There's still so many things, but i'll just pray that everything will go on smoothly for you. No worries okay sweetheart.

2 more weeks, and i'm approved for your visits. Can't wait cos i really miss you, more than words. Sigh. Hang on dear.. Sama2 kita tunggu masanya k. Saya akan doakan agar awak be strong, kuatkan iman utk go through another 3 days in that bilik yg very2 gelap. Take care okay syg. Urghh this is nonsense. I'm typing all these but what is it for when he's down there and can't read all of these!!! I miss you giler babi sweetheart!!! :(

Okay, enough about him..

About me nowadays, i'm having a very hectic schedule. Didn't even have the time to rest and often had irregular meals. Which is why people who recently bumped into me will say i looked thinner as compared to few months back. To me, i still looked the same although i do feel the weight loss. Haha, weird.

Work have been nothing too taxing. Moreover, i enjoyed the job and meeting new people from different departments at the same time.. It has been a very pleasant journey throughout the 4 days. As for my new department, oh my.. Coolness! What else can i say.. I'm so in love with everything there. All the swimwears and lingeries, hehe. Planning to buy some from there, soon. :)

I don't what else i should write in. I have to go now, and will come back for updates on sweetheart's birthday. So wait for me people! Hahaha okay aku dah giler! Cos i miss my sweetheart so much! Almost 2 months already tak nampak batang hidung awak b!!! Okay nonsense ar belle. Haiz. :(

It feels like shit. I'm not going to drag this any longer, makes me cry even more! Nevertheless, keep on spreading the love people. Cheers.

I have been hitting the sack at 4 or 5am for the past few weeks. That's a sad thing cos i had a fever few days back, and now i feel that i have been losing some weight. I have just recovered from my sickness but up till today i still have sore throat, blocked nose and i have been coughing non-stop. This is killing me. Urgh.. Have to cut down d number of puffs i'm taking already. My baby boy also got himself infected by me, sigh. He's still taking his medicines though.. Get well soon, sweetheart.

Anyway, i met Nana yesterday. Again. Haha. She accompanied me to buy some stuffs then off we proceed to lepaks. It has been quite some time since we had d time together, talking craps and bitching about ppl and laugh until our stomach hurts. Feels so stress-free when you have a great companion alongside with some McCafe frappes and ciggies. Coolness. Nana, post all d pics n v2 unexpected vid! HAHA. :D

I'm feeling vexed. You know, i have just received another letter from him. Which makes it 2 now.. The first one was not written by him, so i am utterly disappointed. I guess i don't need to say much on this cos it hurts. I don't know what the hell was he thinking. I'm pissed.

Come yesterday, i checked out my lettebox and was surprised to see another letter from him. This time round, i smiled the moment i saw his handwriting on the envelope. I really smiled. I feel so happy that after almost two months of waiting, i finally received it. Read it, understood and along d way, my tears keeps flowing like d running tap water. Yeah, SAD. :(

As for now, i'm dealing with mixed feelings and emotions. I won't wanna tell. This sucks, a whole lot.

Okay, now to less annoying things.

I want to go shopping before the GSS ends!!! :D HAHAHA. You know what.. I think i really need to go for a retail therapy. I miss doing that already, hehe. So many things that i wanna buy and so many things that i wanna do. The thing is, i have no time for all of that as i will be having a v2 tight schedule from tomorrow onwards. Work work work! Sigh. Tapi no hal lah. All my hard work will be paid off! :)

Next, i don't know when i will be updating this again. Maybe it will take weeks.. I really don't know. I hope that it wouldn't be so looong. Will write in when i have d time okay people. Wait for me! HAHAHA.

I don't know what to write about anymore. My mind's blank, due to lack of sleep and insufficient rest. As for now, i should go and get some sleep. Seriously, i'm going to start crapping if i don't.

All i can say is that i really miss that someone v2 much. I know he's feeling d same too. Love him. As for my readers, don't forget to tag once you're in. Don't run! HAHA. Okay nonsense already ar. Take care everyone, take care me. Cheers.

I am still waiting for your letter, but i'm just sad when i heard about something.. I have never want this to happen, as i thought that things will get better as time passes by. I was wrong. With the way you reacted, you're not helping but instead you're leaving another scar which i doubt will be forgiven. Here i am, counting down my days thinking about you and missing you every single second. I can't believe that you still can't forget about her and told your sister that the both of you will remain as friends. After all that we've went through together and me giving birth to your own son? What was that supposed to mean? What were you thinking? Please be sensible.

I don't think you even have the right to say something like that to your very own sister in the first place. When the news was reported to me, can you imagine how hurtful it was for me? I don't even know what am i supposed to feel. And up till today since i heard about it, i don't even have the courage to write you another letter. Or maybe i won't be bothered about anything related to you anymore. As i thought, what's the letter for when i believe that you're not waiting for mine but someone else's. Fcuk it. Waste my time. Ouh and yeah, up till now i still have not receive your letters. In fact, from the very first time that you sent it. Dumb.

Yes, my letters to you are full of sweet words. But what were you thinking when you gave such comments? Is it wrong to write that way just because i miss someone that i love so much? You often make unnecessary assumptions based on how i reacted in my letters. To make it worst, i still am not allowed to pay you a visit just because we're not legally married. Which makes you more worried and tend to accuse me of something which was not even true. Come on, you still have not change. You're still the old you. A man full of jealousy and bad-tempered. I'm so sick and tired with your irritating behaviour. I don't know what you want from me, i really dont know. I just don't understand.

You don't want me to work just yet, cos you're afraid that i won't have the time to pay you a visit along with our son. But i don't care, i wanted to work so badly and i wrote to you telling you to pray hard for me to get that job. But what did i get in return? All the hopes down the drain. Tell you what, i don't care about all of these anymore. Whatever that happens, my feelings for you are still the same and nothing have changed. Well, maybe not yet. I don't know whether it will change or remain the same. But as for now, i'll just pray that hopefully nothing will come in our way. I have choose to believe of what is best for me.

20 months in detention. A period when so many things can happen and so many events will take place. Hopefully, our heart still belongs to each other. If we were meant to be together, we will.

I'll be back with a proper update, soon.

Finally.. A time i could re-connect with what i have been missing for so long. I really need a new laptop as soon as possible cos i'm having a hard time with it due to all those stupid viruses and malfunctions here and there. I miss blogging and surfing the net, plus i miss my facebook account! Seriously.. Lucky for me, i have already transferred all my pics and songs to my thumbdrive for back-up. I would cry if i won't be able to save all of that cos it were of great sentimental value!

Anyway, too many events has happened and too much unhappiness occured. As for myself, i am still trying to come to terms with everything that has happened. I believe that everything happens for a reason and i choose to hold on to that. You know.. I really miss my sweetheart. It has been a week since he's gone, and a week feels like a year. I'm still waiting for him to call me, or at least a piece of writing from him to let me know that he's okay right now. I have waited, and still waiting anxiously for all of that to happen. Hopefully..

My baby boy was sick for the past few days. In fact, he fell sick since the week before but i've brought him to the polyclinic.. Nothing changed and his temperature's unstable. Only then was when i decided to bring him to the hospital. Improvements seen, cos over there they did a thorough check for babies. I'm glad that he's feeling much better now, or else i will be the most worried mum on earth. Well, i think he's missing his dad cos he fell sick right after his daddy go.. Sigh. =(

As i'm typing this, i'm missing my sweetheart so much and on top of that, i feel so guilty towards him for what i've done. You know.. Having this and that accounts and going online without his knowlegde. I don't know for how long should i disguise the fact that i have been doing all these.. Should i just delete everything, forget the past and move on? I really don't know.. Perhaps yes, but only when the time has come.

Talk about moving on. So far, i've fell into so many loopholes in life that dragged me down and take the ray of light away from me. I've mentioned uncountable times about my pathetic life, and still struggling through. Well, i've learnt a lot as i go on and as for now, i am still learning. I hope and pray that Allah will put all my troubles away and make me stand up strong, to be a good mother, daughter, sister and lover. Hopefully, a bright future lies ahead.

I have to go now.. My time's over. Will write in some other time. To my taggers, sorry i'm not able to reply. Anything just beep me up.

Crying doesn't mean that i'm weak, it's just that i miss you, so much.

I can't sleep cos i'm terribly missing someone right now. =(




Dear hubby, although you still haven't know of the existence of my space, i just want to say that i have loved you, and i will always do. Tak sabar rasanya menunggu masa untuk sebuah ikatan janji apabila cincin disarung ke jari saya nanti.. Sayang awak. :)

Okay enough of being so cheesy at this hour.. Hahaha. I have to turn in now, by hook or by crook. Or else i won't be able get up for work tomorrow. Adios.

Hello readers! I'm back.. Haha okay firstly, i'm in love with this song and it's likely to be my current earworm. Definitely! Happy siol. =D

Moving on, things are getting better with the people around me. I'm glad that i feel so much happier now. Everything have been very wonderful and i feel so delighted, exuberant. Sorry if i am repeating the same thing all over again but that's what i'm feeling now. No obligations right.. =) The only thing is that i have been feeling quite drained for the past 2 days cos i've already started to work and caregiving my son at the same time. Which means, i'm a part-timer in either morning or evening shift. I'd prefer to go with the evening shift as my mum had to send my little nephew to school in the morning, but it's school hols now so i'm okay with morning shift till school reopens.. The downside is that i had insufficient rest and none other than lack of sleep, which i guess is the reason why i'm through with a very severe headache and bodyaches now. Pagi2 buta nak pegi kerja dgn train yg sungguh ramai orang, macam semut. Aku pening.. Macam ikan sardin aku kena squeeze. Balik petang pun orang macam semut, lagi pening kepala. Tapi takpe, sebab aku excited nak balik jumpa anak aku and take turn jaga dia pulak. =) I've got nothing else to write in.. Eh aku lupa, in 3 days time will be my dearest Intan Nur Raihana's birthday!! But our plan to meet up had to be cancelled cos she's flying off to kl on Thursday, as stated in her blog.. SAD. =( But it's okay, we'll plan for another reunion next time okay? That is if i'm free cos aku pun dah start work. Hmm, miss you girls loads. =) So many things, so little time. I know that i'll be on a hiatus these few days due to the tight schedule i'm on now, so i will be back when i'm free alright.. Don't forget to TAG me cos i'm missing all of YOU already! Take care everyone. With lots of love. =DD

To my SWEETHEART, i know i know! This song is for me kan kan kan! I love you b. =)

*sorry for the bad paragraphing as i'm too lazy for a proper update. :)

I have read, i have understood, i have forgotten everything and i'm through with aLL of these. True, this shit is bananas. :) But too bad, i find your entry quite interesting so i have some things to write in. My bLog my say, NO OFFENCE. :)

This is meant for me. :)

Extracted:
"EKCELI TK MINTK SORRY TK MINTK THANK EU.
JUST SEDAR LAH.
KEEP ON TYPING THE SAME DAMN THING.
PUT AN END.
AKU DAH LEPAS TANGAN BTOL.
TK PAYAH NI SUMER.
TK PERLU PUN."

and

"MY ONLY WISH.
EU STOP THIS SHIT. NOW.
NOT ORDERING EU.
BUT THIS IS THE BEST."

The funny thing is, how can one say something this minute and different in the next? You're asking me to stop this shit now and you claimed that you're through with all of these but there you go, spouting bullshits all over your latter lines. What were you thinking woman? Haha.

I've got no time to *downgrade*(oh that's the word you used,right?haha) you cos there's no point of doing so, but for all i know kan, mane ade person A hutang person B on something, then person B nak kene pay off all the debts on her own, even if it's a little sum. Although person B ni org nye berduit, kirakan standard jugak ar tapi it's still macam merepek and makes no sense. Kau bikin salah aku nak bayar kau punye saman ke? Macam lah aku heran sangat like nak tgu kau sedekah duit gitu. Moreover, aku tak suka remind2 org tapi pandai buat pandai lah tanggung ye. We have MANNERS. Haha.

Ouh ya, another thing.. "THIS IS HUMAN. MAKE REMARKS BECAUSE CNOT ACCEPT OR JUST WANTED TO UPLIVE THEIR OWN ESTEEM." Don't you think this phrase describes you too? :)

Ni part gerek, "I CAN'T WIN EUR LOSING FIGHT." Hahahaha.. Ape yg Losing Fight nye pun aku tak tau. I don't lose anything and you don't know what's happening to me presently. IT'S MY LIFE NOT YOURS. FamiLiar with that line huh? Haha. Bebual panjang berjela, reply pun tak tau brape meter. :)

Btw, my dearest peopLe, LisTENup and heLp me find out. :) Where in S'pore can we get a job as an ADMIN EXEC w/o any CERT or maybe just a normaL LeveL with a saLary of $2500++? Is it reaLLy possibLe? HahAHA.. GO FIGURE.

worLdddd.

OKAY, I'M DONE. :D

What's with the picture of me alongside with my full name on your page? Have you got no sense of respect for other's intellectual rights? You've got a weak point there, woman..

Should i regard that as a sign of flattery ; making me famous? Haha.. Go tell the whole world of all the negative things about me and my life, woman. The virtual world is so tiny that i don't even have to find your page with much effort. So with the change of your url, don't think i don't know of what is going on.

Next, i was reading this particular entry on someone's page when i realised that this person feels so 'insecure' about her/his ownself. What was i thinking? Personally, i think that this person feels that he/she is already so superior and mr/ms know-it-all. You know, sometimes a pinch of lie exist in his/her blog entries.. So can't really bang on what he/she says. I won't elaborate much on these, cos macam merepek cos lidah dah selalu sangat bebual benda yang tak exist. Org kata kan, ibarat bebual WORLD. :)

Okay, now to less annoying things.

I'm thankful and glad that i feel much happier now. Everything and everyone around me have been so wonderful. :) You know, i feel so liberated to go out and have a breather, possibly somewhere near to nature. I really miss feeling the wind brushing against my face. But too bad, cos the weather had been mellow and it rains quite a lot these few days. I miss spending time with my sweetheart but i understand that he'll have to work extra hard from now. On the flipside, i'm happy that he have been working diligently and at the same time not forgetting his responsibilities towards his hard-headed girlfriend and dearest son. :)

To astro girl ku, if you're reading this, i would love to go out with you soon!! If possible we'll have an outing with our girls and guys, maybe to Cash Studio and Sheesha? Dah March babe, holiday kan.. Tapi i'm afraid that if we've planned dgn semangatnye, confirm tak jadi. Argh biol. :(

Keep me updated aites. About anything.. To my dearest friends and blog readers, i love you guys! I shall come back soon for proper updates ok.. Take care everyone, take care me. Lots of LOVE. :)

l

Oh my, oh my. I'm surprised that my previous entry actually resulted to a very redundant issue. Ouh ya, one other thing is that i'm really surprised that it actually got someone even more pissed. :)

First thing first, i would like to say that i love being your friend, have been your friend and will always do.

Well, do you find my entry offensive? If it is, and if you have got something against it, then say it to my face. Or before you shall say anything, i'll tell you this; HONEY, IT'S MY SPACE SO OVER HERE I'M QUEEN and i'll write whatever i feel so you have got no right to say anything. You have something to say? Then, it's your prob but i strongly think that there isn't a need to drag on this issue and ouh ya, even to the extent of changing your web url? C'mon, woman.. look who's feeling all guilty now.

Tell you what, i'm not trying or wants to be sympathetic whenever i'm sharing my probs to my dear friends but you read my thoughts wrongly, woman. With the way i potray my issues, you took it as if i'm feeling sorry and regretful with whatever that has happened to me in my love-life or life or whatever. I have ever mentioned before to you during our meet-up that i have never regret over everything that has happened to me. It's just the process that i have to go through and i'm still learning.

Nobody is perfect, not you, not me. I'm still thankful and glad that between me and him, is not as bad as compared to other couples out there who have tremendous issues than us. Don't tell me that your relationship is near to perfect when i have always read your ugly rantings. So what have you got to say?

If you have been an avid reader of my blog, you should have known better. I must agree with you that you are my friend, and it's a friend's duty to give neccessary advices, make that friend come to a realisation and show her that there's more to beautiful things out there in this world, but what right have you got to judge? Only HIM on the above can judge me so he gave me friends whom i can share my messy mind with, not to criticise my life and act as if it's a peanut thing to do in which it can be done in a matter of seconds when you jolly well know that these involves the matters of hearts, emotions, feelings and future.

It's not only you whom i talked to, there's still a bunch out there who reads my blog and asked me about my probs and i shared pieces of my life with them but do they judge? NO. What's more to criticise eh? I wonder.. They do give me neccessary advices, but what's the point of getting all rage up just because of my issue? Please be sensible, i'm not that STUPID yet, and i am given this brain to think. If you think it's easy, then you must be a superwoman and i shall salute you on that. But as for me, only time will tell.

As for your issue on the show-off thingy, haha.. It's not that i don't know that you're a show-off. In fact, i already knew about it so long ago. But personally, i think it isn't appropriate to show-off to me cos i won't be bothered to know about your 'wealthy' life and the adventures whenever we meet. It'll make me go eeii wanna puke. Like as if i don't own any money. Haha. No offence. :)

Over here, i am not saying that i know everything, but i knew the consequences for all actions done. By stating that, i hope you understand that i accept all of my dear friends' advices with an open mind, body and soul. But, shhh.. PLEASE DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. That would be greatly appreciated. Thank YOU.

AKU bUkaN SUPERWOMAN. :)

EDITED - Aku benci org yg materialistic cos they feel that diorang dah cukup bagus. It's understandable kalau org tu have a very humble personality, at least tak payah nak 'anggek' atau menunjuk-nunjuk konon die tu very loaded or berkawan/in a relationship dgn org yg 'berduit'. Aku dah jumpa dan kenal ramai org macam ni. Hai entahlah ape nak jadi dgn dunia ni.. Well, memang it's a FACT kat Singapore ni ape2 sekalipun yg kita nak buat involves money.

But hey.. C'mon lah, takda gunanya kau nak menunjuk-nunjuk, macam kau sorang aje boleh dapat banyak hasil. What i've said are all the facts that i agree with cos i've met these kind of people throughout my whole life. Sometimes, even yg 'Tak SEberapE' pun nak mengada-ngada. Macam lah kau nye so-called 'career' tu standard sangat. Gaji pun entah brape sen dah nak berlagak loaded and kejar loaded guys, lepas tu menunjuk-nunjuk. Eeeiii, MENYAMPAH. The thing is, tak payah nak mengada-ngada lah wai. Aku pun tak heran dgn 'LIFE ADVENTURES' kau. Haha.

Another thing is, kalau pasal guys.. You're talking to me like you know everything. No offence ar girl, tapi kau nak critic aku nye relationship then i shall ask you back, relationship kau sendiri ok ke tak girl? Even if we meet, what i only asked for is a listening ear, and no personal comments are required. I know what's right and what's wrong and you have got no right to judge. You're not in my place, so you don't know what i have been through even if you say you DO. So keep your big mouth SHUT. I think kan, at our age skrg ni, this thing might be a little too redundant to talk about. But hell yeah, cermin diri sendiri sebelum nak masuk dalam kain orang. OK? Hal kau aku dengar, tapi tak masuk campur.

KADANG HUTANG SENDIRI PUN BERTIMBUN-TIMBUN and MASIH BELUM DILANGSAIKAN, kau buat macam kau tu banyak duit and tak berhutang. Masya'allah.

I feel that some people are just too naive and only thinks about other's negativities at some point of time. They have always think that life is so simple and fair without realising that they're spouting unnecessary criticisms. What were they thinking? Their life isn't that perfect also.

Bleah, i'm pissed.

My current earworm, Cinta Itu Ketawa Dan Airmata by Lestari. I feel that somehow this song relates to me.. Very jiwang and of course, nice to listen to. :)

Ketawa dan airmata
Itu sebenarnya cinta
Kalau kau sedih pasti ku rasa
Begitu sebaliknya

Ku senang engkau cemburu
Itu tanda kau sayangiku
Tahu kau takut kehilanganku
Begitu juga aku

Ku juga suka bila kau curiga
ia mengajarku erti setia
Apa pun sikapmu aku terima
Asalkan ada kebaikan
Walaupun sering kau ku tinggalkan
Itu tiada bermakna
Kau ku abaikan

Memang sesekali sikapmu
Membuat aku jemu
Hingga kau takku pedulikan
Untuk menyedarkan

Belum pernah ada cinta
Di dalam kehidupan manusia
Sepanjang masa bahagia
Tanpa air mata...

Moving on, things are still the same and nothing have changed from the last time i blogged. You know, some things are still on hold and waiting to be done. I'm just counting down the days..

On the eve of Valentine's, i met Wanna at City Hall after she finished work. Well, if you're wondering why i was out in the dawn till midnight was due to the mother of all stress that bugs me time and again. BINGIT!!! So yeah, went towards Clarke Quay, had my Starbuck's Mocha Frappe and sat by the river. Wanna had her Long John Silver's dinner there and after that we walked towards esplanade and took some pics there.. Pictures are on Wanna's blog. I was walking happily macam budak2 baru dapat freedom as i thought, what could be more happier than having your own free space in the middle of an argument? God knows.

It has been weeks since me and him are not in good terms and i'm fully exhausted. Arguments after arguments and verbal assaults all along, as if my heart is not fragile each time we immersed ourselves in these conflicts. I'm not saying this as if i have never been in this situation before(uncountable indeed), but i just need to let it all out instead of letting this blog remain idle. I know, and i'm tired of typing the same stuffs over and over again but this is my space and if you are not happy with what you see, then bounce. I do not need any negative comments saying that i'm stupid, it's not worth it to be with this guy, no secured future and family with this guy or whatsoever. Over here, i'm queen. I write what i want so to those who wants to give comments, i shall do my thing cos it's my life, you do yours and please, no tripping' over me. If you're still going to do so then i shall i ask you back, in actual fact is this my life or yours and what right have you got to judge? Now you answer me.

From my view, he wants to be in the winning position. But what about me? I'm not talking about who wins or who lose here but please be sensible, you're trying to say that i do not appreciate whatever that you have done for me all these while? Please, you're so wrong. You're telling me that i've still not changed and still rude as ever and still treats you like a friend and not a special someone? That's what you only feel.. But have you ever think aback whether i myself feel appreciated? I agree, it's partly my fault for the fcuking attitude i have been giving you and i shall take the blame. The reason why, only god knows. Shitass, in this case, the both of us needs more scoops of understanding. I don't care about your family, my family or whoever anymore. It's just about the 3 of us. You, me and Hariz. I know, waiting for 2 years is not easy and definitely a very challenging and a mind draining process that i will have to go through.

I choose to believe that everything in life happens for a reason. We've went through so much together, and we won't waste this away with those stupid reasons and unreasonable arguments. We'll make it work, and if we are meant to be together, we wlll. That is all i can say.

l




If you notice, i dislike to post pictures in my entries but now i'm doing it just because i'm feeling vexed and i feel that i needed to take a breather. So many things alongside with so little time and i'm still struggling through. I'm still waiting for the things to settle down as soon as possible. It's really urgent as it involves my dignity as well as self-respect. You need not know what i exactly mean but just to tell you that i'm going through a very2 hard time right now and i wished, i wished that it could all be over in just a blink.

Hubby have been a very good man these few days although i must admit that we're still having problems. Well who doesn't, right? I'm thankul for whatever that has happened in my life, for every person that i have met and for having a wonderful hubby and son. I've learnt a lot through everything and the more it hurts, the more i'll learn. You know, i have always mentioned that i'm prepared for what is in store for me in the days ahead. I have vowed to myself that i won't be making unnecessary fusses that could do harm to our relationship. A promise of which i'm very sure, can make a huge difference in our current love-life.

I've just realised that we have never discuss about what's important in our relationship, albeit the frequent heart-to-heart talks that we've always had. I thought that was it, but i was wrong. There's something out there, even deeper than what we are able to reach, something not as easy as a peanut, something which exists in a nutshell. Despite having to live with the right traits, i believe that unconditional love tells all. Go read some about it if you don't know what it precisely means so as not to get the wrong definition of it.

I'm being positively positive with everything and i hope that it goes the same for him. Experiencing arguments each and everytime makes me think deeper and further, not backwards as if i'm trying to be so egoistic and hoping that he'll give in just to see us back in good terms again but it all ended up with false hope when the situation gets dire. Having to bear all the pain due to verbal or/with physical torture is the worst i could feel. I'm just hoping that the nightmares will be over and not to happen again. I want to be and i have to be positive, and still waiting for the ray to shine on me.

Okay, now to random things.

I want to make a confession now. I MISS BEING A SCHOOL GIRL. I feel that i was stupid enough to have left school right after my O's cos it made me a dumb person now. Moreover, i didn't take all the subjects required for O's and now i really feel like re-taking everything! Personally, i kind of envy those who's in the same express batch as me and those who are still schooling sey! Makes me feel like i'm so un-clever.. But i know that i have everything to give if i were to return to school, only if i put in a huge amount of effort.. Well, lets just see. Haha. But tell me, now i can't remember the topics that were thought during secondary school, macam otak dah karat gitu.. Sad. :(

But it's fine with me, cos i have always tell myself that it's never too old too learn. There's still so many room for improvements, so nothing to worry about. Suddenly i feel that there's so many vibes. So many things that i want to do.. Feel like i want to get a job, and at the same time i feel like going back to school. Arghh.. I'm confused! Ouh ya, one other thing, i have already created a profile badge for FB. Add me if you are my friend, or wants to be my friend. :)

I have to go now.. Shall come back soon after my problems have settle down. Take care everyone, take care me. With love, Belle. :D

Happy belated 2 years anniversary, to me and sweetheart. :)

My mind's tired, my body's weak and my eyes's all droopy due to insufficient rest and irregular meals. I have been going out almost everyday in this week and i can feel that my backache is getting from bad to worse. Oh well, itchy feet. So can't really blame it all on me. Haha. This shows that i'll have to pick up a new activity which can get me hooked at home. Like reading? Good idea huh. :)

Okay, i'm going for a quick one since i think there's so many things to write in. So my post will be an improper one but let me tell you this, i hate the way i write this post okay! Haha.. Cos i'm a very organised person and kalau ade serba-serbi tak kena, memanglah sangat kurang menyenangkan bagi aku! Haha, like duh.

Firstly, yesterday evening i brought my son to the polyclinic for his 3rd dose Hep B immunisation. Hubby tagged along and blablabla here blablabla there.(Malas nak story panjang2 cos kita tak boleh get along almost the whole time, then masing2 moody and the situation was stifled, so yeah whatever) Sent my son home, and off we went to Somerset to meet up w his bros and sis-in-laws. Took our sweet time and strolled all the way to Far East Plaza and had our 8pm dinner there, before proceeding to Cathay Cineleisure for our movie, Ong Bak II.

I must say that the movie is rather satisfying and a worthy one to watch, albeit the intricate yet abrupt ending. The last part should be more relaxed and toned down but as how it was plotted, it's not easy to comprehend and it made my curiousity engulfed the worst! My rate: 4/5. So the movie ended at 11pm and we took some pictures while smoking at the designated area there. Ouh ya, have i mentioned that i hate the new regulations whereby you can only smoke 5m away from the entrance of a building? That seriously shucks. Bodoh dah takde maksud. Tong sampah pun kadang susah nak cari. Grrr.

Ouh, pictures will be uploaded on FB as soon as possible. I think i will be going for a long break after this post, cos there's some things which are still waiting and needed to be done, FAST! Really2 urgent.

On a serious note, i'm really having the mother of all stress cos now i'm going through a very hard time, feeling all guilty and sad when the deja vu happened to happen again. Something that i initially thought i wouldn't have to go through but apparently it happened and i can't do anything now other than to combo me and hubby's minds and tell you what, we have made an impromptu decision and that plan have to work the moment after he gets his pay. In this case, the sooner the better. I'm so stress and will continue to be if this still doesn't settle down. I'm waiting and still waiting.. :(

This really affects my well-being, and i hate being in this state w mixed feelings and emotions all over. I want to get back to my real self!!! I hate feeling all stupid and useless. I felt used! :(

'Ya Allah, kepadamu aku memohon ampun diatas segala dosa zahir dan batinku, serta berikanlah aku kekuatan dan tabahkanlah hati ini untuk menempuhi segala dugaan yang telah kau berikan. Sesungguhnya aku manusia yang lemah dan tidak mampu melawan kekuatan jinn dan syaitan yang telah berjanji akan menjerumuskan anak Adam kedalam neraka jahanam.'

I feel sinful and will continue to feel the same for the rest of my life. :(

I shall get back after everything's over, and i hope that it would not be so late. Pray for me, everyone. Take care.

I will be on a hiatus. However, you can still bump me through Facebook. Take care everyone. :)

It has been almost a week following the start of a new year. Things have been on my side so far and lately i've been feeling uber happy with everything. There are so many things to write about and i don't know which one to start with so therefore, i apologise for the lack of updates and keep my avid readers waiting.. :(

To start with, my life was pretty eventful in the last few weeks. I can feel that happiness is invading once again while putting all my troubles away. You know.. i really feel so delighted! I feel that suddenly there's so many things that i want to do and there's so much that i want to achieve. At the pace i'm going, i'm not sure if i could hit the target but i shall just be optimistic as best as i could.

I just hope that this year will be a blessed one for me. Not that i don't have any resolutions, but i'd prefer to go with the flow and not just stress myself to the resolutions that i've made accordingly as there are so many things that are needed and still waiting to be done. So, i don't think it's appropriate to actually write in my resolutions right? :)

Last year, i went through the happiest moment of my life when i was greeted with the arrival of my dearest baby boy, albeit i have always mentioned that last year was the toughest year of my life, and still struggling through. You know, the last few months amounted to a series of unfortunate events which stirred undue stress in me. Nevertheless, i have really learnt a lot from all that has happened. I'm proud to say that life has pretty much changed for me recently and i'm looking forward to embrace great days ahead with my loved ones. :)

Despite setbacks, constraints, tremendous amount of stress and events of separations that i will inevitably go through this year, i'll pray to be prepared, both emotionally and physically. Insya Allah. :)

On a happier note, i just bought a new Levis watch yesterday. I like it so much!! :D I didn't feel the pinch as i thought that i deserved it. Moreover, it's new year! So yeah, i'm content. :) Hmmph.. My Adidas watch had to be sent for servicing because it was spoilt and it was being so irritating as it keeps on resetting by itself! Sigh.

I don't know what else i should write in because i'm feeing so HAPPY right now and i think i got myself too overwhelmed by the excitement of it all that i have forgotten the rest of the things that i wanted to write about. HAHA! Btw, i hope it's not too late to wish everyone a very Happy New Year! :D

Okay, now is the time for pictures. Random Dec '08 pics. Enjoys! :)



































Yeah, random that is. I shall update again soon.. Take care everyone, take care me. With love, belle. :)

11 days on...

Many events have taken place in over a span of just 11 days. I've not had much time to blog about the happenings but nevertheless, i had fun despite struggling through the week of unexpected temporary depressions. You know, sometimes it's best to keep things to yourself and then dish out to solve only within yourself. And that's what i've been doing now.

I felt that i needed to take a breather after being tied hard and long enough. Needless to say, i'm content with whatever that has happened around me. I've had a few outings in the last few days.. One of which is with 2 of my babes Wanna and Nana. Also with the primary sch mates. Well, i feel that i have missed out on so many things since my life went through a very drastic change. Now, i'm feeling so disgusted with myself for being at my very lowest point. Am i just plain stupid? Nahh, i won't wanna fret over the past. It's making me feel so useless. :(

I wanted to post pictures, but it seems like i'm having troubles uploading the pics due to the internet connection. Shucks. Okay, now to random things.

You know, i feel that i'm being more sanguine now and proudly to say, i've had instill several possibilities of passive resistance against him. By stating that, i'm happy to at least lessen the constant arguments that we encounter almost everyday.

On a brighter note, i'm happy that today marks the day of our 23rd monthsary. Dearest hubby, saya nak ucap terima kasih kat awak di atas kasih syg yang awak telah curahkan pada saya sepanjang perhubungan kita. Even though you're not reading, saya tahu awak tentu faham ape yang tersirat dalam hati saya kan dear. Selamat Hari Percintaan. :)

I just hope that this love will last and stay as beautiful. :)

Take care everyone.

ARGHH!!!

What does this person wants from me? After i got hurt all along, i am not expecting something bad to happen albeit i can sense that this game will inevitably end. I shouldn't call it a game but i don't know how i should put it. Argh i really don't know!!!

I am seriously sick and tired of all these. Fcuk.

What is this person thinking? Threatening and accusing me after this person have done something which i do not wish to elaborate here as it has happened for so many times since the very beginning of this game. In a state of self-denial, this person contradicts every single fact which includes evidences that i have potrayed. DAH BUAT, TAK NAK MENGAKU. SAKIT HATI AKU! SIALS!

Call me a coward, call me stupid. I just wanna run away and get myself prepared with the answers. I know this person wants answers but i can't provide him that because i was too hurt to even start another convo with him. Shucks.

Enough is enough. I am literally running away from this person. But i know that no matter what, i will always come back to this person. Why? That's the hardest question i will have to answer. Whatever. AKU DAH FED UP. STRESS! BINGIT!

I'm sorry for this ugly post. You know it's bad when i start cursing my entries. God i'm such a wuss. I shall get back when everything have finally settled down.

It's Wednesday and i haven't been getting enough sleep for the past few days, albeit i was feeling lethargic and very restless almost always at the end of each day. Call me insomniac, i know. I think it has been almost a week of sleepness nights for me, and still going on.. Yeah right.

You know what? I feel that i get more tired easily when i'm rotting at home, sounds ridiculous but it's true. Mundane daily routine, taking care of the baby and just laze around and surf the net while baby's sleeping is getting boring.. No, i am not complaining. It's just that i need to go out and get some fresh air, just the two of us. If friends wants to join, why not? Just give me a call...

I am starting to wail out my voice again everyday, everywhere and everytime i feel stressed up by something, whatever it may be. By stating that, i mean SING.. Not deliberately wail out my voice and then receive screams from people in return. I just miss listening to my own voice.. Singing different songs with different ranges. It's just my interest. =)

Why is my post so random? I guess i have nothing else which is interesting to write in.. See i told you, my life has been getting more dull.. Except for the fact that i have Hariz around. He's my rainbow. =)

Now it's still so early in the morning and i'm feeling hungry, but nobody's here to eat with me. But nevermind, i think i wanna go and get some sleep before Hariz wakes up for his bottle-feeding. I'm feeling quite drained, and i need to boost up my energy level before i can carry on with the day.

Next update before i'm off, i have been wanting to watch the new season of Prison Break. I heard that it's exciting. Hmmph.. Ouh ya, i forgot one other thing. Hubby's bought a new phone for me.. Yay! I forgot the what's the model, but it's Sony Ericsson Walkman Phone. Forgive me for the short-term memory, haha. But i really love it cos it's the flip one!!! Thanks, Love. =D

But currently he's the one using it, cos he's working.. Usually it's like that cos i don't think i need a phone when i'm at home as i feel that house phone is enough for me. Furthermore, there isn't a need to buy another phone so that the both of us could have one each cos he won't be around some time soon.. So sharing worths it. Get what i mean? Okay, random one i think.

Got to go now. Take care everyone. =D

Aku blog lagi. Macam tak percaya gitu. Just random. Okay sshhh aku merepek. Enough of words. Now is the time for pics - The outing w babygirls. =)











Not all pics are up cos i can't upload some of the pics, blogger's fault! But nvm it's okay.. I think that's all for now. Shall get back to update soon. Cheers!

Enjoy my current earworm, Cari Pacar Lagi by st12. Although it doesn't relate to me, well, maybe a little, i still find this song very cute and catchy. Anyways, cute is not my thing. :)

ADIOS.

Now i am using my lappy, don't know why but it turns out to be okay the moment i turned it on. Although it's only for a while as i'm sure that it will get back to its former state whereby i can't type anything out with the keyboard, it's still okay because i'll get the chance to check my facebook account and currently, blogging out my thoughts..

I know i am less sanguine at times and i tend to give in along the way when i'm going through the feelings that i have totally no say on. You know what i mean.. It's not that i want this blog to be so boring with me typing the same stuffs over and over again, but enough is enough. I am tired of typing the same thing over and over again, but in actual fact it still didn't ease my feelings at the slightest bit.

I don't blame him for everything that has happened because i know that there should be water when there's fire. It's just common sense. But in this case, i am also a very hot and hard-headed person and i only tend to give in when i'm in a phlegmatic mode. If the both of us were extremely exploding then there's no end to it but instead, it'll be hanging there without closure and of course there will be tantrums all along. I really2 hate that situation and i'm very sure, nobody likes it.


What i am trying to say is that i am very aware with whatever that has happened around me but i am still trying to get myself to come to terms with reality and believe that everything in life happens for a reason, and life goes on no matter what the hurdles are. One thing i have learnt but i still think it's unlearn, is that handling my chaotic relationship with him will never be a simple task to work on when there's always a presence of jealousy, accusations, disappointments, hatredness, threatenings, blackmails and whatever kinds of tortures that breaks the heart. It takes two hands to clap, you see.

It's all about anger management and loving unconditionally. I don't believe in compromising when we're in a relationship because as how i have learnt, it's not making things any better. Perhaps yes, but only at some points. The downside is that, who knows we will face a similar situation again in future and what's left to compromise? It will only lead to dissatisfactions and frustrations because we didn't get what we want from the other party. By then, it will be a never-ending situation.

So what is compromising for? What's important is the 'unconditional' love that we pour out, the beautiful feeling that no one can resist despite your high level of ego or how angry you feel towards your partner.. To manage all these, you will have to work together. Stop tantrums, cool down and slow talk. Moderate anger is alright, but try not to fly into a rage. Rekindle the sweet memories you have had with your partner and feel the love. By stating that, i really mean it, FEEL the love.

That was precisely why i've finally decided that i should just settle down and keep it to myself, not typing it out here because there's no point of doing so. Hurt is what i feel when i read my ugly entries, because as according to my own opinion is that he won't change. Well, maybe not within a short time. I'm still waiting.. Praying and hoping that everything will be alright and if possible, rekindle our love in the past, or maybe i should put it as, those sweet times.

I am still in a state of dire confusion and the strong sense of inferiority is bugging me time and again. You know, i am still adapting to my strategy.. The one i have mentioned above. Well, not everything is sweet okay Belle.. I am still pondering.. :(

Now to less annoying things.

Things remain the same and nothing have changed from the last time i updated. My life, mundane like it have always been. No eventful happenings.. It's just that 2 days ago i've had an outing with my babygirls, Waniz and Fatin. I wonder when i can meet up with Waniz again to upload our photos or maybe just having a plain hangout. :)

Went to Marina Square and tried the food there. Our plan to go to Esplanade was cancelled due to the rain, and we finally ended up at Clarke Quay. Walked around The Central as i thought, what could be more worse than walking around with no money?? I'm seriously broke. Haha. Sat by the river and had my Starbucks Dark Cherry Mocha at night, while enjoying the night lights and the beautiful scenery. Although my baby made such a fuss, i still had fun. :)

Next up, will be going shopping tomorrow as he has already gotten his pay. Well i didn't expect anything from him, it's just that our baby's stuffs should be prioritise first. But if we're good tomorrow, let's just see what will we shop for. It has been a long time since i went for a real shopping spree. Hmmph..

I need a new phone. The Cyber-Shot K810i is spoiled and i am fcking irritated! All his fault okay.. Cos he was the one who used it the whole time. Don't know whether i should send it for servicing or maybe just get a new phone that i have been eyeing for. I love flip ones.. But let's just see if he wants to buy for me tomorrow. :)

Well, a meaningful one i think.. Forgive me for the lengthy post. I think that's all for now.. I'm lost for words and i don't know what else i should write in. Do keep flooding the tagboard, i promise that i will reply as soon as possible. I miss everyone of you! Stay smiley and take care! :)

It has been quite some time since i last blogged. Well, things have taken a different turn lately but i am still holding on. Things in life happen for a reason..

Currently i'm not using my lappy. Mine's totally a dickhead, without it being able to function.. I'm using somebody else's! Without permission so okay sshhh.. Hahaha. Whatever it is, i still think it's morally wrong to do so. So if that person finds out, then i'm really sorry. I just don't wanna abandon this dusty blog.. =)

About me nowadays, all i can say is that i'm living life to the fullest. Trying to be a more happier and cheerful person. =) I guess i won't have to say much, cos i know that i am very temperamental and my mood can change anytime, anywhere in just a span of less than a few hours. Hahaha. I'm still on practice so stay smiley, Belle.. =)

Ouh ya, one other thing is that my baby just turned 4 months yesterday. Dah besar dah.. Hehe. If you see me outside, i'll be the happy happy mummy belle. =)

To all my friends who have been tagging, i'm so sorry that i'm unable to reply.. I hope you guys understand kay.. I miss all my friends. HUGS. =)

I shall update when i have the time to, or when i have gotten a new lappy. Which i think is impossible to obtain within a short period of time. Haha.. Maybe i will go to the CC and use the desktop there.. Let's just see how.

All i can tell is that you won't be seeing me updating so soon.. Okay i am going to miss all the netizens. I love you people okay!

Take care and stay smiley everyone.. =D

After so long, i finally get the chance to update my blog again. It's just that my lappy is not in a good condition and therefore it keeps on breaking down, with the keyboard getting on my nerves without it being able to function. Stupid time-waster. It has been almost a month already..

Nevertheless, many things have happened in the past weeks. What am i supposed to say when it involves too many feelings all along.. I just don't know what to start with. Probably the idea will flow as i keep on going.. I'm here just because i believe that i won't have this chance to update again due to my lappy's condition. Blogging but don't know what to blog. Okay random.

It's raining a bit here, which doesn't make me angry. The rain just makes the city a little more mellow and romantic. I feel like going out, walk in the rain all by myself just because i feel so liberated and i want some stress-free moments. I need to regain my self-esteem and have more time understanding myself, listening to what my heart says.

Everything seems perfect as if nothing have ever been done or said. But deep inside i feel so confused, fearful and the feeling of anxiety bugs me time and again.. I'm still in a state of dire confusion on what i should do about myself and the people surrounding me. By stating that i am referring to my complicated relationships, be it with the people living with me under the same roof or with my sweetheart. Situations still remain the same and till today, i'm still in doubt about everything.

Between me and him, i don't know. Still on rocky terms but i won't tell much. It hurts me when we're in this situation but i'm still trying to get myself to come to terms with reality and accept everything that has happened, not taking it to heart and just regard it as another experience as our love goes on..

Okay, now to less annoying things.

My baby just turned 3 months yesterday.. I love the fact that he's getting more and more chubbier. Haha, babies are cute stuffs. He's starting to eat already.. So that explains the chubby look. =D

Hari Raya was okay as nothing much happened, unlike the typical ones the past years. This year's boring... Hahaha. Okay maybe because i am looking forward for the Hari Raya collections but inevitably i didn't get any. Old already okay hahaha.

To my dear friends who have been tagging, sms-ing me when i have gone MIA, i'm really sorry. I'll be fine okay.. And love you guys! =) Ouh ya, do add me up at my Facebook account aites.. my add is adeqbelle91@hotmail.com

I have to go now. Besides that i'll be on a hiatus again, i need to do some pulling. Take care everyone. Lurve loads! =D

FAT-ness!

I was browsing through my wardrobe that has been untouched for so long, and if i could correctly remember the last time i touched my outfits was before i get pregnant. I really miss wearing all those tops. But now it's totally different cos everything has changed and i can't wear some of the tops due to my change of size. Haha.. You know last time my tummy was really flat and now i have fats all over. Cute or what? DUH. I really need to get rid of all these okay. And i sure will! HAHA.

Ouh, one other thing is that i can't wear all those outfits cos it's kind of revealing. Get what i mean.. I'm a mummy now so i have to be very aware of that. =) What's more is that in this festive season i will tend to eat my heart out cos of the delicious and spicy Hari Raya food. Temptations, temptations.. I will have to do a workout soon already. Please please please do remind me of that okay.

On the other hand, i guess i'll have to get myself new sets of outfits.. I'm seriously in need of new osmosetopshopmango tops, levis jeans, mondo pumps, charles&keith sandals, triumph lingeries, aldo accesories, shopping spree at Bugis Street and i think there's still more!! Pity me, since the very beginning of my pregnancy i haven't get the chance to pamper myself in beauty indulgence. =(

But somehow i do miss my preggy days. I don't know why but maybe cos when i was pregnant i felt cared, loved and of course i can eat as much and whatever that i want as i don't have to worry about getting fat.. The only downside is that i will get the bad effects after i gave birth. Like now... Haha. FAT.

Okay enough of all these. I think with me blogging about my FAT-ness is making me feel even worse! But i don't care lah cos hubby loves me and my fats too! Bohooooo! He's just super sweet. =p

Shall get back soon. Take care everyone.

I rebonded my hair again. =) No no... I'm not using the money i received for Hari Raya collection okay, haha mcm dapat je actually tak. Hubby nak belanja so ape salahnye. Hehehehe... To me, the service there was quite good as they work on my hair or only 2 hours plus. Amazing? Yes of course. My hair turns out as how i had expected, but it's nice and i really love it. =) Ouh ya i forgot one other thing, good price too! Including hair cut and treatment you know.. Haha. =D

I don't know what to update next.. I feel so useless and egoistic all at the same time. Literally, it's not that i don't know what's making me feel this way. But i think i'm not able to work my cells and construct proper sentences to make it easy for me to understand my own feelings. I have been very cranky nowadays and i don't know what to do about myself and the people surrounding me. My mind still strays to think...

Now my feelings are all over the place. I don't know what to feel, cos things have taken a toll on me lately. I think i need to have some stress-free moments already. Hopefully i will get back with a more meaningful post soon. I need to go now to get some beauty sleep after those sleepless nights few days back. Now i have a very awful eye-bag due to the lack of sleep and too much of drowning in tears. Hahaha. =D

Okay i am really all over the place now. Take care everyone.

ADIOS.

I have spent a few hours on my lappy for this new skin. It's not that i don't like the former skin, but i think the code is corrupted so there's something wrong with the layout. Now my body's aching all over.. But i'm still not satisfied with this one! Nevermind, save it for another rainy day then.


Oh ya, i forgot to mention. I have already changed my URL due to some reasons. Don't wanna be specific. All i can say is that i feel safer with the change. So friends, do relink me okay.


Next up, the first till the third day of Hari Raya was great. The first day was with my maternal side, second with hubby's family, third with hubby again. =) But the only downside is that i was down with fever on the eve of Hari Raya. So by stating that, you should know how i feel on the first day of Raya.. =(


There's still many houses which i have yet to visit, so i'm still waiting for everyone to confirm with me. HEhe.. I think i might be having another Raya outing with hubby again next week. The sad thing is that i don't have pictures with me! That means i can't upload it on blogger.. Haiz. But it's okay Belle, always look on the bright side.. I still have pictures taken during Hari Raya on other people's handphone and cameras. =) So can bug them for my pics! HAHAHA.


Okay i am starting to crap. Before i go, i hope it's not too late for me to wish everyone SeLAMat HaRi raYA aidiLfitRi mAAf zaHir & BatiN...


Kepada semua yg mengenali diri Belle, sekiranya selama persahabatan kita Belle pernah terkasar bahasa, mengguris perasaan, terpijak kaki tak cakap sorry, terambil barang tak mintak permission, dan lain2 lagi yg menyakitkan hati.. Belle mintak maaf kay, next year Belle buat lagi. HAHA! Okay bedek je tu.. =p


Okay, till here. Adios amigos.

Time flies so past, and in a few days time we will be celebrating Hari Raya.. Still, there's so many things which have been put on hold and are yet to be done due to some personal problems and commitments.


The sad thing is, my aunty was reported to suffer from breast cancer and brittle bones. So for me, this year's Hari Raya will not be the same as the past years.. I know, she's not so close to me and i don't feel like it's a big loss. But what saddens me is when i know she wouldn't get the chance to live longer. I know, cancer can't be cured without her being strong. Her life wholely depends on her determination.


I have come to a realisation that we're only living temporarily in this world, and i really come to think of it deeply this morning. I don't know why but perhaps i know how it feels to be near death as according to my experience getting involved in an accident earlier this month. For one moment, i felt so grateful and thankful to Allah.


I'll pray for her well-being and i want to see a smile on her face in the morning of Hari Raya, when all our relatives come to pay her a visit her. Semoga Allah memanjangkan usiamu... AMIN.


On the other hand, i feel so stupid and useless. I really don't know why.. Arghh! This entire week was indeed a hell for me.. HAHAHA. OKay, sumpah aku dah giler. I feel that everything's affecting me now, i will get angry and complain over the littlest things. And now the complain queen is back in me again! I guess i will have to pick up a new activity and find something else to do instead of getting all cooped up at home. I need some peaceful and stress-free moments. Suggestions anyone?


Adios amigos.

SEVENTEEN =D

Exactly 3 days ago, i have turned 17. As much as i am looking forward to that day simply because the idea of a birthday really excites me, i hope the days leading up to it will pass by slowly because i am quite afraid to embrace adulthood. I am afraid because the future seems so uncertain that sometimes in the process of wondering what is in store for me, my mind strays away to think of negative possibilities which make me cringe most of the times.


I am well-aware that there are bound to be complications along the way, and it is the nature and degree of the complications that i worry about unnecessarily. The thought of having to be largely independent to face the world and huge responsibilities hanging on my shoulder makes me shudder sometimes because i see myself as a kid to a certain extent. I know it sounds ridiculous.


Although aging is an inevitable process, a part of me somehow wishes that i could turn back the hands of time to a few years ago where life was very carefree for me back then. It's just me and my wishful thinking but of course, i must be realistic. Nobody ever said life was easy and i choose to adopt this thinking as my coping strategy. I do not know if it is good or bad but since it makes me feel better about turning 17, strangely enough, why not?


I really hope that i will be blessed with lots of love, joy and happiness. And I am looking forward to many more beautiful days after my birthday. Insya Allah. :)

2 more days to my birthday. Hehehe... Well, nothing to be happy about actually. =D


My condition is already getting better and i can start fasting soon. You know i really miss fasting, there's this kind of "suci" feeling gitu.. Hahahaha macam paham. =D Okay, i think currently i am falling for Jodi Picoult's novels, and i am currently reading 'The Vanishing Acts'. It's very compelling, and i'm thinking of buying all of its series. Presents anyone? Hehehe.


On the other hand, i have still not make preparations for the upcoming Hari Raya.. 3 more weeks to be exact, right? That is if i count correctly.. So yeah, colour theme for this year will be brown. For hubby, my son and me only, excluding my family.


About me nowadays, i have been rather contemplating.. I don't want to be seen as someone impulsive. Perhaps that is why i have been keeping things to myself lately, observing people's behaviour and their life and learn from everything around. I don't know why, but i love to create happiness and spread it for everyone regardless of how i am feeling. At least the happiness that i potray will somehow carves smile on other's face. It gives me a sense of satisfaction.


Oh god i miss my dear HUBBY already. To YOU and everybody dear to me, thank you for appreciating me for who i am.. With LOVE, belle. =)

9 days on...

Hello readers, i'm back for updates. It has already been 6 days since the fasting month, and i have not yet started fasting, haha cos i'm still in confinement. I've been feeling down for the past few days. Perhaps it's because of the minor injuries that i suffered due to an accident 2 days ago. Well, too bad..


On 4 Sept at 10.55pm, i almost got myself killed in a car accident at a traffic light somewhere near my place. That was the first time i ever requested for hubby to send me till the traffic light ( usually he'll cross w me to ensure that i'll be safe ). The light showed the green man and i walked, with my condition in a daze and all stressed out. And there was this car coming directly towards me, at that point of time i realised that i can't possibly turn back nor walk in a faster pace.


There it goes, the car hits my knee and i fell, and my face hits the front part of it.. I was on the ground, injured, feeling totally shocked and blank. Hubby who was a few metres away came running back to me. Both him and the lady driver brought me to the sides to settle. That lady driver wants to give me a lift to the hospital, but i gave her my assurance and said no.. ( it'll be more troublesome you see.. ) I believed that i'm okay. I do feel the impact, but seriously it is not what i couldn't handle.


The next day, hubby and her accompanied me to the polyclinic for check-up and x-ray. I'm glad that everthing's fine, and i only suffered from minor injuries.. That lady feel so sorry for what happened. I'm fine with it, and i'm glad that she's responsible enough to pay for the medical bills. Well, it was her mistake though, cos she didn't see me walk and blindly drives even when the light is green. Haha, things go wrong people....


What makes me so touched is when i saw his teary eyes when he hugged me after that incident, you know.. Who would have expect that to happen to the person you love? I am considered lucky cos the driver was not driving really fast. If something bad were to happen to me then it'll be the biggest regret for my sweetheart. I know him too well, and i know that he won't be forgiving himself.


If hubby were to cross w me at that moment, i think he'll be... urgh. Maybe that's the reason why i stopped him from crossing over w me cos i can feel that there's something which is not right. For god's sake, i really love him and i won't let it happen to him.. So let it be me.


Hubby's real sad, even when i've told him that i am okay for don't know how many times. Haha, realise something new right dear? I don't know that you're sensitive too.. So don't look at my pics and start tear-ing again okay.. You know i love you, i won't leave you and Hariz... :)


So, back to square one.. I want to gain my well-being spiritually and go through this holy month with happiness around me. HEhehe. I want to be slim again okay.. So must be happy. :)


Btw a gentle reminder to everyone of you, always remember to be alert and look out for cars when crossing, even when the light is green.. And don't think about anything else that may disturb your mind okay! You don't know what might happen! I really take this as a lesson and not to repeat it again..


Till then, take care everyone, take care me. Love loads!

Sesungguhnya perempuan itu dijadikan dari rusuk lelaki,
bukan dari kepala untuk dijadikan pemimpin,
atau dewi untuk dipuja.
Bukan jua dari kaki untuk ditindas,
melainkan dari rusuk kiri,
dekat dengan tangan untuk Dilindungi
dan dekat dengan hati untuk Dicintai.

unexpected...

Hi everyone.. TO start with, i want to wish everyone a very HAPPy NAtionaL daY... Hehehe.. =)

Okay, see that pic above? Well, those peeps visited me and Hariz yesterday.. Very unexpectedly! Haha. Actually, out of the 3 i only know 1 initially. But now i know all! Haha.. Yesterday Kiki (in blue) called me and said that she's outside my house and i was so shocked! Cos she already sms-ed me in the afternoon, telling me that she's coming down. Unfortunately i didn't get the info cos my hp was with hubby at that point of time.. Both of them called my house (like mad i think) and no one answered cos i was in the bathroom showering.. My mum, as per normal.. She will never pick up calls when she doesn't recognise the number.. Hahaha..

See the girl on the extreme left? I didn't expect her to be Kiki's friend! Haha.. Cos we used to be in the same sec sch, and mind you.. We're not in good terms okay! We have never speak to each other before and yesterday was like so wow! I have made friends with her.. Unexpected right..? Hehe.. What a small world. Kan Isha? =)

Going down to ECP later, there's a pit.. WEll, i can't go out yet actually. Belum lepas hari lagi sey! But who cares.. LALaLA.. Haha.. I need some stress-free moments. =) For now, i gtg and pack up my stuffs..

Okay, i'm being so random today.. All in all, i feel so delighted! No reasons to be specific.. =) I got to go now.. Shall come back to update soon okay! Take care everyone, take care me! Love loads!

p/s; i looked like a fat bitch already! got to slim down.. =(

3.17am.. Healing from my flu. I wonder why am i feeling down at this point of time. It's just that there have been so many issues that crosses my mind, interrupting.. Leaving me worried, in a daze and all stressed out.

Mixed feelings and emotions.. You're happy with what you have now, but at the same time you're afraid of losing a special someone who means so much to you.. I don't know how should i put it, cos i have given the best that i could. I have tried my best to understand the situation, but there's something in me that's against every decision which has been made for good. I am just not yet ready to let go.

Well, i guess nobody will understand what i'm feeling.. But it's fine with me, cos i know that in the end i will have to go through all these by myself. I am not ready to let go, really.. What's going to happen to Hariz and me? 2 years.. I keep telling myself that it is worth waiting, but i'm wondering how am i supposed to go through life in the next 2 years?

I feel that i may be a little sensitive when it comes to this issue. Sometimes i would breakdown and cry when the stress is just too much for me.. Cos i am not used to being apart from him.. I'm being too dependent on him. I just don't want to lose him, not even for 2 years okay..

I know that this thing is a little redundant to be talked about, but really.. I don't know! I am so sad and afraid as days passed by.. I AM NOT READY TO LET GO. That's all i can say. What's up with me now? I am trying to get myself close to my Creator, praying that i'll be given the strength to live and move on with happiness.. I don't want to drag myself back to my sadness cos i know that there will always be Hariz around.. He'll be the one who will give me my happiness back, i knew it and i will always keep it in mind..

Sayang, saya janji akan tunaikan amanah yg awak dah berikan kat saya untuk jaga Hariz baik2.. Sekiranya ada jodoh antara awak dgn saya dlm masa 2 tahun akan datang, Alhamdulillah.. Pemergian awak akan menjadi sesuatu yg berat untuk hati saya yg sentiasa menyayangi.. Saya harap awak faham mcm mana saya sayangkan hubungan kita ni.. Saya nak ucap terima kasih kat awak atas segala-galanya yg telah awak berikan kat saya sepanjang perhubungan kita.. Tiap2 hari bila saya pandang je muka anak awak, airmata saya selalu je tumpah.. Sbb terbayang mcm mana saya nak hidup tanpa awak kat sisi saya.. Awak tak lama lagi dah takde dgn saya, takde dgn anak awak. Mcm mana pun saya akan doakan yg terbaik untuk kita.. Ape pun yg terjadi, awak tetap kat dalam hati saya.. Sayang awak...

I'm breaking down already.. =(

I'm back for the pics as promised.. But there's only pics of my baby, my friends and me. i didn't manage to upload the pic of the 3 of us ( hubby, baby and me).. Next time perhaps, if only i have the time. Hehe.. =D So without much words, here are the pics.. =)

Well.. It has already been a week since i gave birth. =) Now Hariz looks more alike to his daddy. Unlike after he was born, cos at that point of time he really looked like me! Haha. Well, i heard that a baby's look will change 7 times before the final look. So let's just wait and see, hehe. =D Okay, that's all for now.. I shall come back to update soon. Whatever it may be, take care and stay smiley always aites. =D With love, Belle.

A wonderful experience...

Hello readers, i'm back again! Okay.. First thing first, i just gave birth to my baby boy on the 23rd of July, at 12.44am.. It was a really wonderful experience and it means so much to me. I could have never been more happier.. =)

On last Monday.. After watching Prison Break, i realised that i had stomach cramps intervally.. Well, i thought nothing of it but then it started to get more severe.. I told my sis and she said that maybe it's the contractions.. Haha, but i really thought nothing of it and i still can take my own sweet time watching dvd in the living room with hubby since he's there..

And the contractions gets worse.. It come and go for about every 2 mins. Hah! Then took a cab and proceed to KKH with hubby and my parents. The situation was so hilarious i tell you! HAha. Cos everyone was so panic at that moment! Reached there and i was warded cos the doctor said that i'll still have to wait till it opens up to 10cm.. So yeah, i was warded..

The next day, at 4pm i was brought down to the delivery suite.. Waterbag bursts and stayed there all the way, while my contractions gets worse. Haha.. Hubby was with me and i was glad that he stayed by my side all the way, praying and encouraging me through my painful moments.. Love him so much. =)

At 12.44am sharp on the 23rd of July.. Muhammad Hariz was born. I cried when i heard his crying voice while hubby was holding on to my hand and kissed my forehead. Alhamdulillah.. I am glad that everything went smoothly.. =)

In the afternoon, my best girlfriends visited me.. Thanks to Wanna, NanaJap, Nieza and boifie for visiting me.. And also big thanks to the rest who visited me.. Thanks for the gifts also.. I am really touched. =)

I really am thankful to Allah for giving me happiness in times of trouble. Having a baby really is my happiness.. Like an Angel sent to me.. =)

Btw, today marks the day of our 18th monthsary. Happy Anniversary to my sweetheart. I love you so much kay.. M U A C K S =)

I guess that's all for now. Photos will be posted in the next post, so i shall come back again soon. Wait for me aites! Till then, take care everyone, take care me. Love loads.

Pissed off !

Oh my god.. I'm feeling so pissed off right at this moment! My uncle and his family's outside in the living room and here i am, rotting and blogging in my room and i am not supposed to go out till they're gone! I just don't get it, no matter how you try to hide.. It will inevitably be known.. My belly isn't that small either. HAHA. So what's the point right? Haiz, what are these people thinking..

On the other hand, i want to call my hubby now! I'm feeling so bored.. Feel like sneaking out of the room to use the phone already! No, no, no.. I'll be killed if i do that, haha. I miss him teribbly.. We meet like everyday but it's different when i'm with him.. When i don't see him, i'll miss him like hell.. The feeling is just different. Haha. Love is really weird.. =)

On the downside, i really think a lot for the past few days. It does not seem clear of what i've actually been thinking about, cos everything goes on randomly. But all in all, it gives me the creeps and makes me stressed out in one way or another. Problems surfaces as and when you think that everything is alright, maybe that is why..

I feel like going out.. ALONE. I just want to be near to nature and feel the wind against my face, so i don't have to worry about anything. I want some stress-free moments.. At least for a little while.

My due is getting nearer already.. And my baby's stuffs are still on hold and are yet to be bought cos i keep on procrastinating.. Haiz.. So many things, so little time. Whatever it may be, i am still happily smiling.. =)

Suddenly i have cravings for Double Choc @ Donut Factory.. And i want Starbucks's Dark Latte Frappucino also! Too bad, i'm already too heavy to go out.. And i'm starting to have extreme backaches already.. Very irritating you know! But it's okay.. I'm fine with it cos i'm giving birth in a few weeks time! HAHA. By then everything will be back to normal. =)

I think that's all for now.. Shall get back soon aites. Take care everyone, take care me. Lurve loads, Belle.

To start with, today marks the day of our 17th monthsary.. Frankly speaking, i don't feel anything when it comes to anniversaries and stuffs like these.. You get what i mean.. For me it's all the same, just like any other days. But one thing is that i felt glad and relieved cos at least our relationship is still going on, even if it is not as strong as it should be. However, happy 17th months anniversary, sayang. =)

On last Sat, i get to meet my Fatin dearest! HAHA, at last. After such a very very long time.. We went to Clarke quay.. Had LJS in the evening, and at night we sat by the river and had starbucks. It's really a beautiful place to chill at.. And i really love the night lights and the scenery. So beautiful. =) Wanna go there again soon! Hee... Chatted with Fatin and told her everything that makes me cry and strained my eyes over, you know what i mean.. Yeah, at least it felt like a burden release after being tied hard and long enough! Thanks a lot Fatin for the listening ear.. I really appreciate it, hugggs. =)

Next thing.. On Fri, 27 June.. Was Namirah's birthday. Went for her party and i am really glad to meet some of my friends and classmates from Regent. HAHA. It has been quite a long time since i last saw them. I was there with my hubby but eventually things gets cocked up and.. You know i know. I didn't even get a chance to enjoy with them all! HAIZ.. Don't wanna talk about it. IRRITATING. Sorry Namirah that i can't enjoy with you guys on your birthday.. =(

Ok, what's up with me? Normal i guess.. Hmmphh..

I'm gaining more weight.. Kind of glad about it. HAHA. That doesn't make any sense at all. Ok i'm so lame. =) I am really looking forward to my next outing with my girlfriends! It seems that everyone's having a very hectic schedule nowadays.. Well, except me. But it's ok.. I'm pretty fine with it. =)

Things change and i am adapting to it.. Ok, i'm bored of blogging now.. Wanna go and sleep, if possible. =) Till then, take care everyone. Bye...

stress amidst happiness... =(

Hello everyone! Haha.. I'm back again after a two weeks being busy with stuffs and having a very hectic schedule. To start with, i wanna wish a happy 1st month to my hubby's newborn nephew.. Muhammad Danny Yusriandy. Haha, i totally forgot to post about him last month! Silly silly.. Now here's his pic. Haha now i wonder how my son will look like eh? =)Next update.. I met my primary sch bestest friend on Sat, 14 June.. It has been ages since we last met! I am really glad that we finally arrange for a meeting. Haha, at last! We went down to town, PS, chilled at McCafe and finally to the skate park.. Chilled till late midnight okay! Had loads of fun talking and laughing, even crying! (me) Haha.. Talked about how our life have been, all the ups and downs that we go through.. Overall, i'm happy. At least it felt like a burden release! =)


The downside is that.. Biaselah at night gaduh with my hubby. Being him, too possessive.. He really accused me for going out with 'guys' when i already told him that i am only going out with Maisarah. Now he's accusing me in front of my own friend. We fought over the phone and then biaselah, he just let out whatever he wants to say and blablabla.. All i did was cry. What else can i say?? He just don't understand.. I am sick and tired of all these. I just don't want to be stress, cos i don't want my baby's health to get affected. But now, i really don't know.. He still have not changed, till now.. But whatever it may be, everything is still in control. Just will have to endure. Really. It's time for pictures now. I shall come back to update when i feel like it. Tired of typing the same stuffs over and over again, if you get what i mean.. Till then, take care everyone, take care me. With lots of lurve, Belle.

That's me and my darling sister. ((: Hmmph, went to West Mall with her yesterday.. She bought this 'cooler fan' to put in our room for a cooler temperature.. Since it's always humid in there! According to her.. Haha. I really enjoy spending my time with her you see.. Cos she never fails to make me smile and laugh for no reason. HAHA! But really.. I was in bad terms with my sweetheart for the past few days.. And she's there to make me haPPy. Thank you, kak. I love you to bits! =)

On the downside, too much unhappiness had occured. Personally, sorry sweetheart for all the unbased assumptions.. Sorry for being unreasonable, sorry for offending and hurting you verbally without considering your feelings, sorry for the extreme hard time i had caused you all these while. I don't blame you at all. In fact, i'm very sure of what you're doing. I realised that it has always been me who started all these.. Maybe it is just me who don't understand.. But from the bottom of my heart, i just want to be with you.

I just miss the care and attention from you that i used to have back then.. But one thing i didn't realise is that everything has changed, situations are getting much more difficult each day and now is the time for me to move on.. I have to stop being too dependent on you. I have to stop being sensitive and egoistic for no reason and i really have to give you all the care and attention that you deserve. Cos i realised that i am not being a responsible girlfriend.. Now things must change, and i must learn to give more than to receive. Really...

Bohoo!!! Heee.. I'm so bored now. Those pics of us are taken during his bro's wedding.. Well, not much since the rest of the photos are in someone's digital cam.. So i didn't get to upload. :(( OH btw, sweetheart's face really like bapak2 seh. Dah memang lah. HAHAHA. He really look like his age in pictures though, hehe. 24 years old, HAHA. Dah tuerrr! ((: Hmmph, i shall come back and update soon aites! Take care everyone, take care me.. Lurve loads!

So many things have happened for the past few weeks.. I'm just too lazy to update my blog lately, haha. I have went for check-up on the 3 Apr and the sex of my baby was confirmed. It's a boy. I was quite surprised actually, as i thought that it is going to be a girl. Very unexpectedly. Hehe.. But sweetheart is extremely happy after knowing that it's a boy. Hmmph, tomorrow i will have to go for another check-up again.. Haiz, bored! Nobody to accompany.. Everyone's working. HAha.

I have got to start buying baby's stuffs soon.. That means, SHOPPING! Can't wait can't wait! HAhahaha. 4 more months to go.. So, hang on. ((:

I am glad that sweetheart is now diligent enough to work extra shifts and hours.. Haiz, i know it's pretty hectic for him.. But the only downside is that we're always having problems. I just hope that he'll not leave his responsibility behind though. We have been through a lot of hardships and things have taken a toll on us lately.. It's difficult, both physically and emotionally draining for us. Get what i mean... Hmm, i guess some things are better left unsaid..

I'll just pray for our happiness each day, Insya Allah.. Take care everybody, take care me.. Love loads! ((:

13 months... =)

To my dearest hubby, Happy Anniversary. =D

Back to blogging.. =)

HMM... A new blog. Since there's too much to update, wait for me aites! I shall come when everything is finally over, hopefully it won't be sooo late. Don't forget to relink me otey? Take care and stay smiley everybody! =)